What is trauma?

 

Trauma is defined as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.” It sounds rather sad; right! Yes, its sad and for someone who recently went through it; it’s a very fresh and raw experience.

What’s the experience, you ask? Well, it was friendship day!!

What!! You may exclaim. How can friendship day be traumatic!!!

Then, let me explain.

All my life (till I was 35) my mom was my best friend. I never had to look out towards anyone else; because she was there with me. She was my guide, my mentor, my critic, my buddy, my all. 

If I had to share juicy details about a crush, she lent me her ear and we would giggle like school girls. If I had to sort out a dilemma, she sat with me and heard me out; never once judging or commenting. If I was emotionally railed up about something; she would hold my hand and comfort me. If I needed sometime to chill; she joined me and we chilled together.

Often, friends would tell me that my mom was the coolest. They too would come hang with us.

So, when 9 years back, my mom met her maker – I was bereft. My one and only friend had been taken away from me. I sought other friends; but no one got me like she did. No one laughed at my jokes like she did, nor did anyone understand my sorrow when I shut myself within myself.

Over the past nine years, I’ve made peace with myself. I make friends, but don’t form a bond. I connect with people, but don’t make a connection. I am available to them at all times, but I refrain from seeking help. I am my best friend and my best friend is me.

Now, you probably understand why friendship was traumatic for me? All those posts declaring undying friendship, unwavering connections and ever lasting bonds. I am happy for you; but I am cynical. 

In a world where opinions and impressions change with changing tides and seasons; how can we proclaim such affiliations? Don’t misunderstand me. I wish you and your fraternity well and pray for it to strengthen over the years.

But for now; I beg to be excused and allowed to wallow at my loss.

Yes, this is trauma….. for me!!